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Punkelf

Great.

Posted on 2016.05.24 at 01:58
Current Location: Canada, Brampton
Current Mood: morosemorose
Current Music: Bush - Glycerine
Tags: , , ,
Two months before the end of therapy, and I'mma have two major meltdowns in one month. A+ terrific would do again.

I don't even know where to talk about shit like this any more. It's definitely not FB material. No one replies to things on Tumblr. I don't really use chat clients much. I guess texting, but anyone I would text about it I don't want to burden with my shit. LJ is basically screaming into the void and hoping someone picks up the signal.

Punkelf

I'm not processing Bowie's death very well.

Posted on 2016.01.12 at 01:12
Current Location: Canada, Brampton
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: David Bowie - The Stars Are Out Tonight
Tags: , ,
...yeah.

Pretty much what it says on the tin.

stars are never sleeping
dead ones and the living

their jealousy's spilling down
the stars must stick together
we will never be rid of these stars
but I hope they live forever

Punkelf

The MeFi Emotional Labour Thread

Posted on 2016.01.12 at 01:04
Current Location: Canada, Brampton
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
Current Music: David Bowie & Queen - Under Pressure
Tags: , , , , ,
"You know how men talk about PMS as this miserable, barely survivable time when you have to watch what you say, be careful not to make too much noise, swallow your real thoughts, make constant concessions to avoid conflict, and accept sudden outbursts of anger as commonplace? (aka things I unconsciously do around many men I know and love)

The masculine dread of PMS is basically “there are five days a month when the burden of emotional labor is reversed, and that brief (and incomplete) inversion is my personal eldritch horror, such that men discuss it with other men in hushed tones.”

-a fiendish thingy" on "Where's My Cut?" On Unpaid Emotional Labor (way the fuck down)

*just... marvels at that one for a minute*

Punkelf

2015: Retrospective of the goals I made back in like June

Posted on 2016.01.04 at 02:00
Current Location: Canada, Brampton
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Orgy - Blue Monday
Tags: , , , , , , ,
Ha, so, the post I made before my new-year post was actually a post of goal-ish type things, so let's look back and see how I did:
Read more...Collapse )

Punkelf
Posted on 2016.01.01 at 23:23
Current Location: Canada, Brampton
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Empty - Metric
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,
So while I know most of you read my FB at this point, I'm going to put this here, also (think of it as extra, extra insurance on doing them:)

So elsewhere I wrote what my goals for this year are, and I figured, well, let's post them to FB as well.
1. Be gentler with myself overall. (I have a tendency to be a bit of a perfectionist, and not in a good way [is there a good way?]. So this one is the most important one.)
2. Write at least three sentences a day.
3. Read at least one book a month.
4. Meditate at least five minutes every morning.
5. Find something fun that feels more like 'play' than 'exercise'.

No, they aren't lofty aspirations (and I know a bunch of people are going *one book a month???* and dying a little on the inside), but... if I do better than this then that's good. If I do only this, I can be satisfied. And if I don't manage all of these, then that's okay too. Trying to make that my mindset for 2016.

2015 was an... interesting year. I did a number of things, even though it felt for much of it like I was wading through the molasses of my low energy and a fuckton of self-loathing. (See also Item #1.) Therapy has been going... well? I think? Like at least I'm able to identify the fact that I have a lot of self-loathing, haha? >.> (And also nervous laughter when I'm actually upset about something/self-conscious? ;))

I dunno. It's really hard to tell as it goes if progress is being made, but I think things are going well. So I'm going to trust that it is, in fact, doing what it says on the tin, even if at this point I think I've been going about three times as long as what it's "supposed" to run. (CBT and IPT, the two therapies my therapist is using, are both intended to be fairly short-term, and we're now at 16 months, rather than weeks.) I dunno if that's just me, or what. (I do know I have been fairly resistant to the idea of being okay with small victories.)

But, let's see how 2016 plays out. (Yosh'!)


Punkelf

I said it and this time I meant it!! Really!!

Posted on 2015.07.21 at 11:32
Current Mood: productiveproductive
Current Music: Christopher Tin - Baba Yetu
Tags: , , , , ,
So one of the things I've been doing lately is 8760 Hours. It's basically a REALLY INTENSIVE version of your New Year's resolutions, but taking like... a day or two (or several weeks, if you're me and don't always actually go work on it when you say you're going to) to sort out. In the end, you have about 14-20 things that you' like to accomplish during the year, of which you pick 3-5 to really focus on (with expansion potential if you achieve the first set).

So my goals for the year (which I'm really counting as the current half-year, so I'll re-do this in December) are as follows:
Under a cut for those who don"t careCollapse )

So that's the five that I thought were most important to me. Other stuff on the list includes reducing meat consumption (those of you also on FB saw the results of that; I'm going to try but I'm not putting a concerted effort into it yet, the eating out thing is more important), improve earnings (I want to get to a regular $3600/mo pre-HST and income tax deductions, or about $2700 actual "my" money), write 500 words/day, see friends more frequently, have potlucks more frequently (see previous point), volunteer, get myself more organized/less prone to getting out of bed at the crack of noon, and meditate 20min/day.

Punkelf

I swear I'm going to start posting here again.

Posted on 2015.07.07 at 02:36
I'm just... tired.

Who still reads here, anyway? roseneko, I know you're still around. A couple of others. Ferrett and Zoethe I don't think follow me, so that's no good unless I'm commenting on their stuff.

I want internets socialization that isn't fucking Facebook.

Maybe I'll just start posting about therapy...

Punkelf

Post For Great Theraputic Intent

Posted on 2014.10.16 at 12:08
Tags: ,
So as you may know, Bob (...actually, the only person that still reads LJ that knows this is Simon, I think), I am in therapy!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

So far it's been... interesting? The therapist has suggested a combination of CBT (not the pervy kind) and IPT for me, which everyone has agreed seems like a pretty logical combo for me.

Anyway, one of the things we have been talking about lately has been my overactive perfectionist streak and the fact that it means that I basically don't do anything. (No blogging, no writing, no art, etc.) So this is my therapy-assignment blog, to actually write a thing.

Note: my therapy appointment is in an hour. (And usually is on Wednesdays instead of Thursdays.) So... I may have left this a little long.

The weird thing is that blogging itself isn't exactly hard for me. (Or, at least, I don't have the deeply visceral reaction here that I do with fiction writing.) I just sort of stopped doing it, because I didn't have anything interesting to say. (I still don't, really, other than reporting on therapy.) I can't really talk about my clients, and I don't do a whole heck of a lot outside of work.

Which is... one of the things I'm in therapy for, really ^^;;

But it seems like the combo of "puzzle out the origin of this thing" (or at least, the origin of the motivation-destroying version of this thing; I've always been one who wants to do things as best I can, but why is that now "you can't do it well at all, so don't even bother starting" as opposed to "do your best!"?) and "destroy this thing" will help? I hope?

Next up: not living up to expectations! The stress of looking for a job! Not doing things that normal people totally do without thinking about it!

Punkelf

I'mma just leave this here...

Posted on 2014.09.03 at 21:27
For serrico and naturelf.

http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/1162/

Punkelf

Five Weird Things About Me Meme

Posted on 2014.09.01 at 17:08
Current Mood: weirdweird
Tags: , ,
Since Rose did it, I'm compelled to do it myself. :P However, I'm not brave enough to put this out on FB, so you'll just have to accept it here...

1. Pretty much every relationship I've had has been an open one at some point. (I can think of a single exception.)

2. I hate cooking "simple" meals, which means cooking for one (as I often do) is something I have to drag my ass to do. Want me to make a four course meal for six? Absolutely! Want me to make pasta just for myself? BLUUUUUUGGGGGGH DO I GOTTA CAN'T I JUST GO OUT INSTEAD.

3. I have read maybe 4 books in the last four years. In 2008, I read 50. In 2009, I read 17. After that... it's honest-to-god been too much effort. I've barely been able to read two of my favorites (actually, I'm only halfway through the most recent Discworld novel, and that's been a GRIND). It's exhausting and depressing and it is, like, one of the major things I want my therapist to help me sort out.

4. Given enough time, I will do a parody of "I Am The Very Model of a Modern Major-General" for anything I enjoy. This will be relevant... later.

5. Despite the fact that I don't actually eat tomatoes usually, I have a fuckton of them growing in my garden.


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